Thursday, April 22, 2010

Life's Lessons Are Rarely Easy

Mateo will be turning 2 next week. I cannot believe I am the mother of a (almost) 2 year old! There was a time when I didn't know if I would ever see this day. Or that my son would ever see this day. And while I am excited...ecstatic really...there is a little bit of dread under all that excitement. The more days that pass, we are brought closer to what I call "the unknown". Right now, we're doing Mateo had a glowing report from his cardiologist at our last visit and I don't want that to change. We're in, what is called, the "honeymoon stage"....the period of time between Mateo's 2nd and 3rd surgeries. I don't want that 3rd surgery to come because I don't know what lies beyond that for us.

I have always been a person who is very aware of mortality. Aware that life doesn't last forever. That time slips away so fast and I can never get it back. That no matter how long the days seem, the years are gone in a blink of an eye. And this awareness has reached its fullest after having my son. I had all these fears that his life was going to be gone before he even got to live it.

But here we are.....a week from his 2nd birthday. And what a ride these last 2 years have been! He has brought me more joy than I have ever known. More fear, more sadness, more love, more laughter....more quality of life.....than I have ever known. That's a lot to go through in just 2 years. Only 104 weeks. Roughly 730 days.

The dread lies in knowing how quickly he will go from being my little boy to being my big grown man. There were so many days that I wished he could just stay my little baby. Now I'm wishing he could just stay "my little boy".

And while I want to turn back time, I am overjoyed at how much he has grown. He learns so fast! It amazes me every day how lightening-fast his brain seems to work and I often wish I had a tenth of that now! I am surprised every day by something he does. Something he comprehends. Something he puts together on his own. Words that he says that I didn't know he knew....and using them in the right context! It amazes me and makes me so PROUD. And so thankful to God that he let me keep this little miracle boy.

The truth is, every stage with Mateo has been fun. Its so new and exciting. To be able to see the world through a toddler's eyes is a gift. Everything is fresh and new.

I have also learned a lot about myself in these last 2 years. I found strength that I didn't know existed. I found out who I am. I learned who I am as myself. As a wife. As a Christian. As a friend. I learned a lot about the strength I have in my marriage and in my faith. I learned that I have a whole world full of support and love...and when I painfully fell to my knees, so many were there to lift me back to my feet. If I learned all of this in only 2 years, how much more will I find out in the next 2 years? The next 4 years? The next 10? Yes, life is a learning process.

And I wonder what life lessons Mateo will learn. So I am excited to celebrate his 2 year mark of life. He fought for this tooth and nail and deserves to celebrate. And as much as I want to push away the coming least for a little bit.......I am excited to watch him grow. As the song says, "No, life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride."

God Is Good!